S0-007 The Final Voyage of the Salty Starfish
The Final Voyage of the Salty Starfish is the seventh and final episode of season zero of Queens of Adventure. It is also the last live show of the season, and the last in continuity live show for the core cast. It was recorded at Kremwork in Seattle. Synopsis Wearing cruise ship couture, Booty and the Hofish perform aboard the SS Salty Starfish, fresh off their win at the Search for the Tops competition. Gnomi, their manager and researcher, reminds them they are heading to Fire Island to unlock a vault of a lost queen. He takes the Ice Scepter from Fraya, as he is worried about someone taking it while the performers mingle with guests. In the audience is a particularly interested table of onlookers that includes a woman in a bejeweled neckbrace, a man in a suit, and a man in priest robes. The woman waves them over. They head over. She introduces herself as Apollonia Dumont, and assumes they know of her. The suited man expresses interest in the queens vintage outfits, and introduces himself as Herman Friday, antique dealer. The priest asks if its their first time cruising. The queens give mixed reactions and he offers them pointers. Captain Zeta Jones approaches and thanks them. Herman takes out a red handkerchief and dabs his face as the queens flirt with the captain before tucking it in his back right pocket. The Captain apologizes for stowing the party's weapons. Only Harlotte managed to secretly strap a dagger to her leg, and Arson can always summon her pact weapon. As the captain leaves, an old lady reading a mystery novel by Jamie Feltcher also praises the queens's performance. Apollonia asks if they saw any wealthy single folks on board. An abrupt crash causes everyone to gasps as the room shakes. The priest reaches for a snuff box and the room goes dark, so dark not even dark vision can see through it. People grope in the dark, and Gnomi shouts that someone grabbed the scepter, followed by Apollonia saying someone grabbed her jewels. The lights return. Apollonia's neckbrace is gone and Gnomi says they have to find the scepter before they get to the island. The old lady emerges from the table, excited for a mystery as thunder and lightning crash. The Captain shouts for help on deck as the sounds of battle reach their ears. The queens rush to the deck and find a wave of seaspawns climbing over the rails. They are human sized but covered in all kinds of sealife features. Three of them see the party and move towards them. One is covered in tentacles (Harlotte names Trish), in the other direction is one crackling with electric eel electricity. Near the front of the ship is a regular human but with the head of a fish. 'Trish' sprays a black goo at the party, only managing to blind Fraya, who it charges at. Divine power (from the audience) knocks the spawn to the side. The water genasi, sensing the attack, freezes the water around Trish. Arson draws her pact weapon vibrator and presses it against the eel-spawn's chest and channels eldritch blast into it, with a critical hit. It's own pleasure triggers a blow out of it's electricity which sends it flying off the ship. The Captain, up on the mast, shouts encouragement while dueling another spawn. Harlotte does a sneak attack on the eel-spawn with a mage hand slap, critical hit. The fishhead-spawn opens a crate, finding bottles of wine. He makes an impromptu Molotov cocktail from it, engulfing Harlotte, Arson, and Butylene in flames. The tiefling triggers her hellish rebuke thanks to her knowledge of bottom feeders, and flames incinerate the fishhead-spawn. Fraya charges towards the remaining eel-spawn, digs her claws into it, commanding it to 'Explain'. Butylene translates that the creature is hungry and searching for something it smells. Arson knocks it over the railing (and taking some of Fraya's nails with it) with another eldritch blast. Other seaspawn on the ship seeing this flee as a storm begins to form overhead. Gnomi and the old lady emerge from below decks, wanting to investigate the stolen scepter. She introduces herself as Agatha Crusty, and she's known a mystery or two in her time. Agatha suggests they look at the ship's manifest. The captain is shocked when he sees the group arrive at the bridge, but calms. He says they are trying to repair the damages to the ship. Agatha asks to look at the manifest, explaining some items were stolen. He is wary of helping them, but Arson says she is trying to get laid. The Captain falls for it, and pointedly says his name is at the top of the list, which lays next to a whirring machine drawing lines. Agatha reviews the list and encourages the team to leave. Before they leave, Butylene locates some rope, chains, and duct tape while Arson does a twirl. Agatha suggests they investigate Apollonia, Herman, and the priest, Father Andson. Fraya is suspicious, but looking deep into her eyes, sees she is clever, innocent, and isn't hiding anything. Agatha surprises them by speaking in draglish, and suggests they use that to confer during interrogations. They head first to Father Andson's cabin. He opens the door but is uncertain why they are there. Harlotte pushes into his room, saying she was from Avon. Butylene casts friendship and asks what he was doing when the lights went out. He explains he was taking a hit from his snuff box, a dirty habit but he can't go ten minutes without it. Showing them the box, Butylene sniffs it and finds a glass bead before the Father pulls the box away. The bead is now stuck in Butylene's nostril. Agatha asks if he noticed anything strange. He points out Herman, who was a bit handsy. Arson suggests they go talk to Herman, as she trusts the priest. Butylene prepares to proselytize to the priest, which intrigues the priest's own religious background. He waves towards his stack of religious texts. Harlotte finds that the books are fake props, hastily made. Arson casts detect magic ''and notices the bead in Butylene's nose is glowing. Departing, they head down to the hall to Herman's room. He cracks open the door, and Butylene acts like a drunken fangirl while Agatha asks to discuss the stolen items and lets them in. Arson charges in, using her high intimidation, to tell him to sit the fuck down and asks him what he was doing when the lights went out. Herman swears he kept out of people's way. He pulls out his handkerchief and mops his brow as Arson accuses him of theft. "That useless stage prop?" he says, enraging the queens. Fraya tries bad cop, seductive cop, and uses the ''command "Explain". He says he was just going to Fire Island on antiques business, and suggests they talk to Apollonia whose neck brace jewels were fake. Fraya makes out with him and commands "Truth". Agatha suggests they make a formal accusation in front of witnesses with authorities present. Fraya says they should question the last person. Agatha then apologizes in Common and escorts the queens to Apollonia's room, asking them to avoid causing a scene. Apollonia opens the door to her room, letting them in, remembering late to signal her neck pain. The queens ask sympathetic questions and Arson suggests her outfit is expensive and old. She acknowledges it is, but one of the beads went missing. Butlyene drops several books suddenly as Apollonia talks about her injury, causing the woman to spin her head suddenly, forgetting her injury. Arson tells her they lost their scepter, and Butylene gives her the bead, inspiring her to spill some tea. Father Andson is a member of the Thieve's Guild, who her family is in debt to. She's been running schemes, and reveals the neck brace, that she was trying to discount the false priest. Arson figures out that the bead creates the spell darkness, ''which spreads out for ten minutes as long as it is uncovered. They decide since it was hidden in the snuff box, it must be Father Andson who was the thief. The queens gather the crew and the captain and guests, prepare their accusation on a tube of lipstick as they perform a lip synch to build tension. Arson pulls the lipstick and accuse Father Andson. He stands and backs away, revealing that it was him, and he tried to throw suspicion on Apollonia. The priest pulls out the scepter from his robe and charges up on deck. The queens follow him, and up on top of the ship, they can see a massive whirlpool forming. From it, tentacles begin to emerge, attached to an enormous squid like face. The Captain sees it, and says that legend speaks of a monster that brings seaspawn, a filthy Kracken. He asks them to help him invoke the patron saint of Sailors. A light from the moon blinds the Kracken, but waves still rush over the ship. A familiar voice calls out, "I Got You Babe". The queens feel themselves tossed about the sea and they lose consciousness. Each queen wakes up an unknown time later. Their drag and make up is gone, their possessions missing, and they are each alone... END SEASON ZERO Characters Party * Arson Nicki - drow warlock * Butylene O'Kipple - tiefling alchemist * Fraya Love - water genasi cleric * Harlotte O'Scara - human rogue NPcs * Gnomi Malone * Apollonia Dumont (debut) - wearing jeweled neckbrace and beaded dress * Herman Friday (debut) - wearing a tiny suit and pince-nez * Father Andson (debut)- wearing rough sackcloth robes * Captain Zeta Jones * Agatha Crusty (debut) * The Kracken (debut) Monsters/Enemies * Seaspawn Live Show Roles * DM Matt * Dice Boy Bo * Cody Shipman (art for opening video) Episode Notes Lore * Father Andson is particularly keen on getting his hands on the ice scepter. * Legend speaks of a terrible beast from the sea that arises on nights of the full moon, bringing with it seaspawn creatures. It is known as the filthy Kracken. Inspiration Earned * Audience - For their cheering * Harlotte - For a man Thursday pun. * Harlotte - a 'the white stuff'/new kids on the block joke * Fraya - jumping and keeping balance as the ship rocks * Harlotte - casting shade on 'Neighbors' * Fraya - for a going down with a ship line Memorable Quotes * "If there's any secret admirers out there, you're welcome." - Fraya Love * "Vintage chain mail runs in my family." - Harlotte O'Scara * "Stabby-stabby, hidey-hidey. That's me me me." - Harlotte O'Scara * "I don't cruise very often! I wasn't on the Titanic!" - Fraya Love * "I'm getting it right here in the sternum and really, like really turning it the fuck up. You know when you get, like, a really hard massage and you say 'That felt really good, but I'm bruised.' Like that, but a hundred times more." - Arson Nicki * "You're not a sommelier! What are you doing?" - Harlotte O'Scara * "I knew we shouldn't have gone to the Olive Garden!" - Arson Nicki * "I knew that this was a catfish. So they're a bottom feeder. I've seen them before, I've dated them in the past. In the '90s." - Butylene O'Kipple * "Here's the thing: I'm not going down with your ship, boo. But I will go down." - Fraya Love * "I do not trust a man in khaki pants. Oh, but pleaded's a different story." - Harlotte O'Scara * "I mean, can we plus inches too?" - Fraya Love * "That is not a worthless stage prop! That is a valuable... piece of... ''thing!" - Arson Nicki * "Temperamental? That's code for gay!" - Harlotte O'Scara * "Girl, that was two campaigns ago." - Butylene O'Kipple * "Organized religion is not to be trusted." - Butylene O'Kipple References * Butch Alice * Al and Chuck cruises * Pokemon attacks: Scratch and Tail Whip * References to recent Drag Race All-Stars drama, including BenDeLaCreme quitting. * Toph and Bloodbending from Avatar the Last Airbender * Olive Garden * Neighbors drag show in Seattle * BenDeLaCreme as Maggie Smith in SnatchGame: "We Invented the Language!" * Angela Lansbury * "The Night the Lights went out in Georgia" * Avon * Jehovah's Witness and the Watchtower * Catwoman * Slytherin House * Clue * Ursula from the Little Mermaid's "Never Underestimate the Power of Body language" line * Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask Name That Tune * Theme from the Love Boat - Amanda Leer (opening lip synch) * The White Stuff - Both a New Kids on the Block and a Weird Al Yankovic reference * "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" - Shania Twain (specifically opening line, "Lets Go Girls") * "A Little Priest" - from Sweeney Todd * "One Way or Another" - Blondie (finale lip synch) * "Sailor Moon Theme" - (bonus finale sing-a-long) Behind the Queens * This show was the first at a new venue for the queens. * Several artists were present, drawing scenes from the show live. * This episode's promotional title was "Dungeons and Drag Queens Get Wet" * DM Matt would later try drag for the first time, using Agatha Crustie as his dragsona. His Drag Transformation was executed by the queens from the cast live on Youtube. Category:Episodes Category:Season Zero Category:Live Shows